I’ll be moving to another region of the country in a few months. I’m excited about the change, but worried
about how I’ll adjust since I don’t know anyone there. To be honest, I haven’t had much of a social
life since I moved full time from Boston to Florida a year and a half ago. I have three friends here, only one who lives
here full time. The other two friends are
snowbirds who come here to escape Northern winters. Last spring, I felt a little sorry for myself
when they left. I maxed out my cell
phone plan calling up my old Boston friends. I spent too much quality time with Ben &
Jerry’s. I had to admit it, I was
lonely. Then I met a friend of a friend
who had moved to my town in Florida only three months earlier. She is a widow in her mid 60s with some
health problems. But she is vibrant and
happy. And she has a bunch of new
friends who keep her very busy. I felt a
little embarrassed that she had pulled off something in a few months that I
hadn’t managed in well over a year. I
realized that I had fallen for a self-fulfilling prophecy: That you can’t make friends over 50 because everybody
in that age group already has enough friends.
But I’m learning that’s just a myth.
There are lots of people out there who need friends: Their lives have been jolted by geographic
moves, divorce, or loss of a spouse or partner.
Some people simply wake up and realize that the friends they have no
longer offer the support that makes the friendship worthwhile. One of my friends has been going out to
dinner with a friend once a week for the last 20 years. They have absolutely nothing in common except
for the weekly dinner ritual.
So I’ve made an early New Year’s resolution to actively seek out
friendships when I move. (And I’ll let
you know how I’m doing when I get to my new home.) Meanwhile, if you wish you had
more some friends, here are five steps to put an end to your self-imposed solitary
confinement.
1.
Recognize that no woman is an island
Self-awareness is the first step.
In the last year, I got so used to a limited social life and a lack of
local confidantes, that I stopped noticing how lonely I was. A trip back to New England—where old friends seemed
very interested in spending time with me—was a powerful reminder of what I was
missing. So pay attention to the signs of social disconnection: Are telemarketers the only people who call
you in the evenings? Is watching Grey’s
Anatomy or Project Runway the highlight of your week? Have you stopped cooking meals because it’s
so much trouble for “only one?” Do you
find excuses to strike up conversations with strangers in supermarket checkout
lines? Whatever your loneliness red
flags, recognize that loneliness is not a character flaw—it’s simply God’s way
of telling you to GET A LIFE!
2.
Decide
what kind of friend you want to be
The most important ingredient you bring to a relationship is
yourself. What kind of energy and
commitment are you willing to put out there in your search for connections? Make
a decision that you will show up in the world as someone who is worth having as
a friend. That way your energy, honesty,
and caring personality will draw people to you when you meet.
3.
Reflect on
the qualities you are looking for in a friend
Even though you don’t have enough (any?) friends right now, this is no
time to lower your standards. In fact,
the more conscious you are about what kind of friends you want to have, the
more likely you’ll find people who meet your needs. Are you looking for someone who:
- Enjoys some of the same activities you do?
- Shares your political or religious beliefs?
- Has something in common that you can both talk
about?
- Doesn’t complain excessively about physical
symptoms or family problems?
- Has a similar standard of living?
- Likes to listen as much as she talks?
Once you have identified your criteria, keep them on your radar as you
implement step 4.
4.
Become a
joiner
This is a tough one, because so many of us are shy about joining groups. My new friend in Florida adopted the strategy
of saying yes to any invitation she received to get involved. She joined a scrabble club, a singing group,
and a meditation group, all at the invitation of her new neighbors. She is already so wired into the local
community, you’d never know she’s only been living here for only a few months. On the other hand, I have a friend who recently
retired, who has thought about joining some environmental organizations, but
who resists, saying “I don’t do groups.”
Accept your discomfort about groups and join some anyway. It’s really the only efficient way to meet
kindred spirits. View it as a necessary
evil. And choose only those groups
devoted to activities or causes that you are passionate about. Focus on how you can contribute to a worthy
cause, and you’ll lose your self-consciousness about being the new kid on the
block.
5.
Invite
people to dinner
Many of us are intimidated by the prospect of having people to our
homes, especially people we don’t know all that well. So challenge yourself to dust off that old
recipe book, and host a dinner party for a few people you hardly know. It will give you a night off from eating
Lean Cuisine, and there is nothing like home-cooked food to help people feel
welcome and connected. By inviting a
small number of new acquaintances, you won’t have to worry about keeping the
conversation going all by yourself—your other guests can help you. If the thought of food preparation makes you
want to jump off a bridge, plan a pot luck dinner, or even a group dinner at a modestly
priced restaurant. The important thing
is to break out of your social shell and take those first steps to forming new
friendships.
I hope you’ll use the comments section to share your ideas about making
new friends—at any age!
